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20 December 2009 @ 09:07 pm
...Body in a woodchipper!
Not entirely sure why I post to this. I have no friends who read this (anymore) and I basically... well I really don't have any friends anymore. Oh well. I guess loneliness is a part of life. But I do have a snuggly warm boyfriend to cuddle up with.

Still, I miss my best friend. I miss having her to talk to. I love David, but he's not the same. He's not my best girlfriend. I miss the conection we had. The laughter. The memories. They were so god damn precious to me and I guess they meant nothing to her. I watched a video I took of us dressing up on halloween. It was only from two years ago. Two fucking years! And now all of that is gone. She wont even look at me when I see her at work.
It shouldn't still make me want to cry when I think about. I want to move on. She doesn't give a damn about me anymore so I shouldn't give a fuck about her either. But I do. God damn I do! I can't throw away nine years of friendship like that. I just can't.

And I hate that. I hate that I think about her every day. That I mention her in conversation all the time. But I can't help it! When you've shared so much of your life with someone, so many memories are tied to them.

I wish I could go a day without saying her name. God, you'd think we were a couple the way I'm talking. But there was a time that I thought she was my life mate. Maybe not romantically, but she was my fall back. And now...I may not need a fall back, but I still need her.

I always will. She was my first real best friend. And she will never know how much that means to me. Her family was my family. My family was her family. How could she turn her back on all that. Did we mean that little to her. Did I?

I wonder if she misses me. It doesn't matter if she does. It doesn't change anything. But I still wonder. I know she isn't reading this. I wish she was, but I don't think she'll listen to me anymore. Should I have tried harder to keep up with her? Call her more? Once she stopped talking to me, should I have forced her to talk to me? Put more work into it? I wish I knew.

God, I just wish I knew why. Maybe I could move on if I knew why I'd lost her. Is it because if David? Was she jealous of me? Or was she jealous of him? I was hers for a long time. Not romantically. But if she'd wanted to be...I wouldn't have said no. I would've been hers, every part of me.

For awhile after I started dating David, I knew if she told me she wanted me, if she wanted us to be together, I would've gone to her. But then, I fell in love. I don't regret it. I love David with my whole heart. He made me believe in love again. For that, I am eternally greatful. I could never put into words just how much I love him.

But I still need her. I still need you, Lisa. Never think otherwise. I tried to tell you once, how much you meant to me (back when you would still accept my messages) but you didn't listen. You couldn't have. You never would have done this if you'd really known how much I love you.

I sometimes still can't believe that you would do this to me, abandon me this way. We've both been abandonded before. We know how much it hurts. Do think just because I had someone it would hurt me any less? I try to be angry with you, but I can't be. I miss you to much. I worry about you to much. Please, just once, tell me that you're okay! You can hate me the rest of your life, as long as you're happy. I don't care. Just...Be happy. Remember that so many people love you. I love you. And I'm still here.

I'm Feeling: sympatheticless then stellar
Snow: Jason ~ sepia snowsweptawaybayou on December 21st, 2009 03:48 am (UTC)

I dunno, bay~bee. I've asked, but she won't tell even me. So I back off. I'm sorry, I really am.

But you have to KNOW that you will always be part of my family. Always welcome, always loved and forever adored.

And I miss you too.

the_nightkindthe_nightkind on December 22nd, 2009 07:30 am (UTC)
*super hugs back*

It's okay, it's not your fault. I do really just want her to be happy. As long as I know that, I'm okay.

You have no idea how much you and your family have meant to me all these years. I count myself so lucky to have a family like you.

*hugs again*