Log in

No account? Create an account
11 September 2014 @ 01:19 pm
There is something unsettling about finding old diary entries or posts from years back. To be honest, I thought this got deleted. It's been 4 years for fucks sake! But here it is. I guess I might take a glance through it, probably thoroughly embarrass myself.
16 May 2010 @ 02:06 am
...Or is Facebook really fucking confusing. I don't get it at all. I can't find anything and it's just weird. I dunno why I even went on there. Crazy I guess.

Barely working anymore but I did get a raise. Measly 20 cents. Still made me happy which is sad. Thank you Dillon's for making me lower my staandards. Thanks a fucking bunch.

Getting closer to 18. Scary. Exciting too, but mostly scary. Been practicing my cake decorating skills and I'm doing pretty well.

Need to go to sleep. The internet is boring me tonight.
I'm Feeling: boredbored
Atmosphere: Okami (david's playing it)
20 December 2009 @ 09:07 pm
...Body in a woodchipper!
Not entirely sure why I post to this. I have no friends who read this (anymore) and I basically... well I really don't have any friends anymore. Oh well. I guess loneliness is a part of life. But I do have a snuggly warm boyfriend to cuddle up with.

Still, I miss my best friend. I miss having her to talk to. I love David, but he's not the same. He's not my best girlfriend. I miss the conection we had. The laughter. The memories. They were so god damn precious to me and I guess they meant nothing to her. I watched a video I took of us dressing up on halloween. It was only from two years ago. Two fucking years! And now all of that is gone. She wont even look at me when I see her at work.
It shouldn't still make me want to cry when I think about. I want to move on. She doesn't give a damn about me anymore so I shouldn't give a fuck about her either. But I do. God damn I do! I can't throw away nine years of friendship like that. I just can't.

And I hate that. I hate that I think about her every day. That I mention her in conversation all the time. But I can't help it! When you've shared so much of your life with someone, so many memories are tied to them.

I wish I could go a day without saying her name. God, you'd think we were a couple the way I'm talking. But there was a time that I thought she was my life mate. Maybe not romantically, but she was my fall back. And now...I may not need a fall back, but I still need her.

I always will. She was my first real best friend. And she will never know how much that means to me. Her family was my family. My family was her family. How could she turn her back on all that. Did we mean that little to her. Did I?

I wonder if she misses me. It doesn't matter if she does. It doesn't change anything. But I still wonder. I know she isn't reading this. I wish she was, but I don't think she'll listen to me anymore. Should I have tried harder to keep up with her? Call her more? Once she stopped talking to me, should I have forced her to talk to me? Put more work into it? I wish I knew.

God, I just wish I knew why. Maybe I could move on if I knew why I'd lost her. Is it because if David? Was she jealous of me? Or was she jealous of him? I was hers for a long time. Not romantically. But if she'd wanted to be...I wouldn't have said no. I would've been hers, every part of me.

For awhile after I started dating David, I knew if she told me she wanted me, if she wanted us to be together, I would've gone to her. But then, I fell in love. I don't regret it. I love David with my whole heart. He made me believe in love again. For that, I am eternally greatful. I could never put into words just how much I love him.

But I still need her. I still need you, Lisa. Never think otherwise. I tried to tell you once, how much you meant to me (back when you would still accept my messages) but you didn't listen. You couldn't have. You never would have done this if you'd really known how much I love you.

I sometimes still can't believe that you would do this to me, abandon me this way. We've both been abandonded before. We know how much it hurts. Do think just because I had someone it would hurt me any less? I try to be angry with you, but I can't be. I miss you to much. I worry about you to much. Please, just once, tell me that you're okay! You can hate me the rest of your life, as long as you're happy. I don't care. Just...Be happy. Remember that so many people love you. I love you. And I'm still here.

I'm Feeling: sympatheticless then stellar
28 October 2009 @ 02:27 am

...and now I spend those days doing the things I can't do while working. Adult life blows.

STILL haven't found a name for my guy character in my story and I'm now questioning the girls name as well. Fuck. I think I'm just gonna have to stick with what I got now and change it later if I find something better.

White Collar is SPECTACULAR. The acting, the dialog, the characters, all spot on! And Matt Bomer *diez from teh prettehz* I want his babies! (not really) BUT STILL! Mom, Grandma and I are all in agreement that's it's noce to have something pretty to watch on TV again! Huzzah!

God Damn it is like 2:30am and I should REALLY be tired. -_- But I'm not. I should write, but I probably wont. I need to just pull up the damn Word program and just start....

...But first I'll check FF.N (which means I'm not going to write) I know me this well and I still can't stop myself. I need help. *shame* The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So *clears throat*...

...My name is Susan, and I'm a fanfiction-aholic.

There, I feel so much better. Now I can read it with a clear conscience. XD

I'm Feeling: bouncy
21 October 2009 @ 10:54 pm

Ugh, so tired. Did NOT sleep enough to wake up early and work all day. Thank christ for Angela who took the rest of the shift I was covering so I didn't have to stay till fucking 7:30p after having been working since 8:15a. I know that's like an average full time work day but ugh. I need more prep for that. And better pay! XD I would've been fine had I gotten SLEEP! Tomorrow I work long and late but I don't have to get up early so WOOHOO!

Need to find a vendor that sells raw cocoa beans and then a recipe for making chocolate from scratch. Cause HELLZ YEAH! I'm really excited. Unfortunatly now I have the daunting prospect of paying for culinary school. URG! I thought I would manage to avoid college expences but I guess not. It's worth it though. When one day I'll my own candy store with completely homemade chocolates and the like. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

I feel like I should do some writing but first I need to look up biblical names so I can finally have a name for this character! He kinda need's one, being one of the two primary characters and all LOL!

I can't figure out how to have my Twitter show up here. It says I can, but I can't find a place to put it! DX I am the sux with web design or anything even approaching it. Oh well. Whatevah!

New show on USA to replace Psych during the winter! The main guy is so pretty. Mom and I are drooling already. Hopefully it'll be a good show. I want something good to wach while Psych is gone.

Sherona on the next ep of Monk actually make me want to watch. It should be cool. I want to see her interaction with Natalie. Potential hilarity out the ass. Plus the comercial for the episode they're showing clips from ye olde Monk and playing 'My Sherona' which is a kickass song so I'm always jammin' when the ad pops up!

Well, off to puruse the interwebz!

20 October 2009 @ 01:56 pm

My laptop is finally fixed! Yay! I no longer have to lug around the moniter from my mom's computer to have picture. And I have a brand new, blemish and mark free screen! FTW!

On a sadder note Casey is leaving for basic in a week. I'm going to miss him. I'll see him soon I know but he's been my friend for a long time. It's weird to think of him in the army but I'm sure he'll do well. He wants to quote "Blow shit the fuck up" I hope he gets to. And ya know, doesn't blow HIMSELF up! XD

David's car is fixed (hopefully) so we're gonna go to the city to pick it up and then I work tonight. Sam said she should be able to take most of the hours tomorrow that I took from Kyle, so that's cool.

Well, I just got a call from Dillon's. I need to call them back before we leave. They probably need me to cover someone's shift. *eye roll*

15 October 2009 @ 12:50 pm
Christ on a cracker I haven't updated this in awhile! Dude, one of my last posts was about starting work!!!!!DaHGSAHGDFJL I've been working there for 8 monthes now! Holy shiznit, has it been that long. It's weird to look back on it.

I'm on twitter now and am gushing happiness and explosive doooooooomj over the fact that I can now follow not only Robert Llewellyn, but also Danny John-Jules. And the big one...WILLIAM SHATNER! William. Motherfucking. Shatner. *diez* I love that dude so epically much! He's William Shatner. That's all that needs to be said! For SERIOUS!
07 April 2009 @ 11:55 am

I'm so bad about this! I get busy and then I forget to ever post. Or check anything.

I need to get ahold of sixteen_letters  and ask her if we're getting together with yuffie_maybe this weekend. I work crappy hours for hanging out with people but I can still try!

I've been neglecting my writing again, which I know I shouldn't do but I just keep getting distracted by dumb shit. Oh wellz.. I think I need to revise the last chapter I wrote on my slashy version of the FF7 fic that I was working on. Then maybe I'll try posting it. Maybe.

I have a warm, fuzzy black kitty in my lap. She's so cute! *cuddles* 
13 February 2009 @ 07:08 pm
I worked for 6 hours today, which in the grand scheme isn't a lot but I've never done that so it was taxing. Today was my fourth day working as a cashier at the grocery store and I can honestly say I love my job. It sounds weird but I enjoy what I do. I'm starting to get the hang off things, feeling more confident, and I'm getting along with everyone. Pretty much all my co-workers are awesome, as well as my superiors which makes working there that much nicer. I guess I'm just cut out for customer service. I'm good at it, and I enjoy talking to people. Whenever I get home from work I'm always tired, but in a good way, and I feel accomplished.

Well, I didn't have a ton to say but I wanted to say something, I'm just so tired I can't keep going. Mom is going to tape Monk and Psych in case I can't stay awake.
I Currently Exist In: My living room
I'm Feeling: accomplishedtired but accomplished
Atmosphere: something on the TV
07 February 2009 @ 01:30 am

...The rest of you take full damage! God I'm such a geek.

David downloaded the two Mitch Hedberg CDs he didn't have, last night. God it's depressing he's dead! I loved him and his comedy is just spectacular. *Sigh* All the cool people are dead.

I finally finished all the boring shit training the other day. Now it's time for checker training, which I'm actually looking forward to.

I don't really have much to say, I just wanted to post since it's been awhile. I think I'll either go write or pop over to psych_slash  since they've been very busy recently it seems.
I Currently Exist In: Against some pillows
I'm Feeling: contentcontent
Atmosphere: David playing Mariokart Wii